I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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