Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
