I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
