are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
