Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize