Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
