Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
