I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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