I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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