We won't sleep together?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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