P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
