I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
