He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
