I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
