Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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