the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
