I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
