my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
