My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
