When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
