I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize