mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
