I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
