capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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