I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
