that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
