My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So apparently I’m into choking now
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