so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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