Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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