Kiss
Puke
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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