Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
