I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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