I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
