I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
