I just cut my nipple shaving
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
