I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
