I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
