He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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