i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
from now on my penis is your penis
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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