you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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