Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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