I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
