the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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