No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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