If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
