they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
