i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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