Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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