got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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