why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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