I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
