It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
