i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
