Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
