Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
