The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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