Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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