I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
how drunk are you?
Several
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
