i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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